love/lust

 One thing I have always struggled with is knowing the difference between love and lust. Obviously, there are the google definitions, I mean in friendships and relationships. 

A lot of my friendships start with infatuation, a whole lot of "why aren't they messaging me back immediately", "I miss them", "clearly I mean less to them than they do to me". My brain didn't seem to recognise that people have jobs and lives they can't be messaging me all the time. To me, it was like they didn't like me and they didn't want to be my friend (wasn't the case) unless they messaged me back immediately.

This often caused issues for me as a kid, going through friends faster than the lunch line in primary school goes through school cake. When I grew up this started to extend to relationships, it would usually last a few weeks into a new relationship that I would get bored and walk away. It wasn't actually that I was bored, it was that I was no longer receiving dopamine from that relationship. I was constantly looking for dopamine and often that made me feel like a horrible person because I was using other people. I didn't realise how much my actions could hurt people until the same thing happened to me and I got cheated on because 'I wasn't exciting enough'.

Now one thing about me, I am 19 and engaged to the most amazing man, I had to spend a lot of time looking inwards, after all this was a big commitment, making sure I wasn't just searching for dopamine in a person after having my heart broken. I realised that this one was different, it wasn't lust I am in love.

The main point of this post is for those who feel bad about having to step back and look inwards, don't let anyone tell you, you are bad for stepping back. You are doing what you need to do and that is completely valid. Keep being you, you are doing amazing!