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love/lust

 One thing I have always struggled with is knowing the difference between love and lust. Obviously, there are the google definitions, I mean in friendships and relationships.  A lot of my friendships start with infatuation, a whole lot of "why aren't they messaging me back immediately", "I miss them", "clearly I mean less to them than they do to me". My brain didn't seem to recognise that people have jobs and lives they can't be messaging me all the time. To me, it was like they didn't like me and they didn't want to be my friend (wasn't the case) unless they messaged me back immediately. This often caused issues for me as a kid, going through friends faster than the lunch line in primary school goes through school cake. When I grew up this started to extend to relationships, it would usually last a few weeks into a new relationship that I would get bored and walk away. It wasn't actually that I was bored, it was that I was no l...
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My mum said no

 My mum said no.

One thing I may not have mentioned is that I am a carer. I grew up as a young carer taking care of my father. I used to be invited out with my friend group at school but I never felt up to it. I had used all my spoons at school and then came home to take care of my dad. I also have severe separation anxiety from my mother. It’s very hard to juggle everything at once and then go out with friends. I used to tell them my mum said no… most of the time I never asked. I’m not a big people person but I couldn’t tell them that so I just got used to saying I wasn’t allowed. As lonely as I was it was easier for me to be lonely than explain that I wasn’t allowed too tired and overwhelmed to speak to anyone.

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