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love/lust

 One thing I have always struggled with is knowing the difference between love and lust. Obviously, there are the google definitions, I mean in friendships and relationships.  A lot of my friendships start with infatuation, a whole lot of "why aren't they messaging me back immediately", "I miss them", "clearly I mean less to them than they do to me". My brain didn't seem to recognise that people have jobs and lives they can't be messaging me all the time. To me, it was like they didn't like me and they didn't want to be my friend (wasn't the case) unless they messaged me back immediately. This often caused issues for me as a kid, going through friends faster than the lunch line in primary school goes through school cake. When I grew up this started to extend to relationships, it would usually last a few weeks into a new relationship that I would get bored and walk away. It wasn't actually that I was bored, it was that I was no l...
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Over the banister

 

Over the banister.

I had a traumatic event at the age of 7… I don’t remember it. For some reason it affects me every day of my life. Whether this is because I was too young to form the memory or because it was too scary that my brain decided to block it out. Whilst I’m not going into detail about what happened, the thing you need to know was that I was upstairs, and the event happened in the hall downstairs. I had the view over my banister to know what was going on. Every single day when I wake up, I won’t look over that banister. Every time I go up and down my stairs, I won’t look over that banister. Now even though I don’t remember what happened, only knowing about it due to being told what happened it still effects my life.

I don’t know why.

I don’t think about what happened.

I have dreams about a memory that doesn’t feel like it’s my own.

I can’t look over that banister.

Now if any of you experienced something traumatic at a young age, you may feel the same, on the other hand you may not. I’m working through it now with help, but it took me 12 years to understand that just because I don’t consciously remember the event doesn’t mean I don’t remember it. It’s stored somewhere with an effect just not to the knowledge of my brain.

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